if this were an actual emergency....

awakened.

i need to believe in something.

maybe something more. maybe its just the same.

i just need to have hope that there is something better.

i dont want proof anymore. i just want hope.

why is everything so wrong. why is everything so hard.

nothing is good anymore

in the house of god... in the act of birth... there is corruption.

why this man. why this day. why in front of these people. why?

is this woman technically baptized... or is this some kind of a sign?

ethnic faces mean ethnic buisness, they said.

civil rights will eternally mean nobody is happy.

sex offenders are not allowed to go out on halloween.

safty is as safty does.

did this really just happen to me?

this woman met this man and then she died. they let her die. he had a better chance so they helped him and not her. she said, "if love were enough i would be here with you right now."

evy said that to me the other day. she realized after 4 years of being in a relationship with someone who did nothing but hurt her - love isnt enough.

so what is enough.

if so many things are suseptable to corruption... whats the point in even trying. why should we trust if all anyone does is stab us in the back. why should we love if all anyone does is break our hearts. why should we give second chances if the first one didnt work out. why should we work so hard if were never going to get anywhere.

"we live, and then we die."

my horoscope said that i should introduce my sweetie to my family.

'i dont believe ill be alright, i dont believe ill be okay, i dont believe how you've thrown me away.'

i dont want to do this anymore. i dont want to go to this school where the people i went to high school with are still talking about me behind my back. i dont want to struggle in classes that arent even hard. i dont want to go to this job where everything is predictable, just like all of my things smelling like fried chicken.

i was getting in the shower this morning and in my head i heard 'you were always on my mind....' and i said to myself... i dont want to play that song anymore. im tired of that song... im tired of her singing it... and im tired of going to work and doing the same things. even though everything is new, it still the same. 2 years of my life and i dont smell the chicken on my things anymore.

last night i was charlie chaplin and i felt really good. i had a lot of fun being in character. i was my creative self once again and it was amazing. i miss dressing up and acting and being in front of people. possiblly because it means i dont have to be me. and in that moment my greatest concern is how bad the shoes are hurting my feet. but i dont take them off - because being dedicated creates character - which is not a pun.

but at what point to i get to stop and re-address this person im creating all this character for? what if i dont like her. what if i just want to escape. what if getting away is the greatest thing that could happen. what if this very fuckin time last year, i just god damned realized, this exact fuckin thing happened. i wanted to go to north carolina, because ive never known anyone from there. i was tying to get haley to go with me. because shes sheltered in a way so that anything that i want to be... anything that i ever become... would be ok to her.

ive had this dream, about dissapearing. what made it all so great is that someone would have to call my house to get ahold me and my mom would simply have to say "she doesnt live here anymore."

november was weird for me last year. after thanksgiving i stopped being stuck in the routine's i was stuck in. in december i was evolving. in january things had changed... it all went back like there was never anything wrong. but i have since gotten over that flu. by my birthday i was 100% and then i was full time lauren and kyla. i have been since then.

is loyalty over-rated?

i dont think i want to be defined by someone else.

my 3rd grade class room was on the very end of the big kids hall. which was a big change from my 2nd grade class room which was surrounded by the 1st grade and kindergarten class rooms. one day i was walking down the hall by myself, past the big kids bathroom which had the long mirrors and tall walls... and i looked back at how far i had walked and i thought to myself 'i feel older.'

when i looked over jolynns shoulder one day at work and saw the waitlist i wanted to snatch it out of her hands and do it myself. just that day - it clicked. it was like a big puzzle and i wanted to work it out. the day that she got in trouble and i was the official stager from then on, i was walking down the asile with the waitlist sheets in my hand and i thought to myself 'i feel older.'


i always feel lonely on this week. it must be a minstral thing.

way over-due. i didnt talk about the horribleness of lawn leaving to any extensive detail. i didnt talk about dealing with the fact that she was gone. i didnt tell you about the drama that was happening, ironically, because of it. kourtnie left. i didnt tell you that the only reason i have been able to get through it all so easily is having kyla by my side. and just recently i havent told you about kyla leaving along with catharine, rosemary, and stephanie. i didnt even tell you about how boarderline miserable i have been even though they have only been gone for a week.

i owe a huge, and special thanks, to my rubby. however, i just know there is going to be a downside to revolving around us (us meaning... me and him together, werid huh)

what i am going to tell you about is how since lawn has gotten her house phone with unlimited long distance i have talked to her every single day - which is making this whole thing easy. i have talked to kyla every day also, and she will be on the internet a lot more now too.

im going tomorrow with ruben to college station to see everyons rooms. then we are all going to houston to see okgo play. ill come home in the morning. it will be fun.

oh yeah, i had a dream about ruben the other night. it was way weirdie. basically we were dating and i was laying on him in my truck. and i remember there was this way way way cool girl next to us with pink hair... she called someone on her phone and was like 'i just found the one... hes with a girl and they look kinda cute together they way they are laying like that, they must be in love' and me and ruben kind of chuckled at this and he wanted to play the story and be like 'im so glad were going to have a baby together' and i freaked out even by the girl saying we were in love so i told him we should stage a big break up instead.

we didnt do either because the next thing i know we go into 7-11 which is layed out just like allsups... and this girl comes up to him and says she plays bass for system of a down (by this point its obvious the guys in the band are like her posse and will do anything she orders) and she wants to talk to him in private because she has a really good offer for him. im in the other asile listening to this happen and then i turn around and there is a black girl with pig tails right in front of me. im trying to keep listening to ruben and the girl with the pink hair as this black girl goes on yammering about something or another... and then she grabs my face and kisses me.

i remember i was completely shocked and then i was remembering how hard her lips felt and it was way way weird. i look down the asile to see if anyone witnessed this unfortuante surprise... and of course ruben is standing there. hes way pissed off. we go outside and he tells me what the girl with the pink hair said. it sounds like shes offering some kind of music deal. which sounds good too me... so i tell him to see what she wants... and he doesnt want to. he never brought up the black girl but he goes to see what the girl with pink hair wants because i asked him too.

hes gone for a while and i get tired of waiting and i go in. they are waiting for me. he is standing with her infront of the other guys in the band. he doesnt say a word to me. she says that he is hers now and we were over. i ask him how she got him to do that and she says 'i gave him my place in the band' he says - and i run out crying. i remember the feeling i had. i was soo soo soo sad and filled with anger.

now its raining and its dark. ruben comes out to appoligize or something and all i want to know is how i dont mean anything to him all of the sudden and i thought he loved me. but he wont give me any answers as i cry and cry and cry. and then i get very angry and i push him and hit him until he falls down. then i kick him repeatedly and he only takes it. (i really could feel myself hitting and kicking him) he doesnt get up. he doesnt say a word.and this makes me more angry so im yelling out every cuss word combination i can think of. the girl with pink hair and the band comes out after me and she says 'why are you doing this to him' and i yell out 'i just want to know why he doesnt love me' - but i dont get an answer and he leaves with her.

- i dont know why the fuck system of a down is in my dream. i dont know why there is a girl with pink hair as their bass player. i dont know why this all takes place at a convenient store. i dont know why a black girl kissed me, or why i remember that her lips were really hard. i dont know why i allowed myself to beat the shit out of ruben, if i loved him.

my theory about this dream is that its telling me that im scared of being hurt even though i dont think ruben is capable of doing so. that i have an anger problem, and despite that im not as tough as i think. and that i need to give ruben a chance - also - never kiss a black girl with pig tails.

im still weirded out by this. but imma go ta bed nah.

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